Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
