Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
