he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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