his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
