i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she told me i tasted like america
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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