so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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