No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
