I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
