It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
