There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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