We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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