i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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