Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
