In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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