I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
