about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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