thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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