My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
