I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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