I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
