I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
