I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
