Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
