I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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