Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
