I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
