in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
