Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I think i got beer on your cat.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
