think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
