Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
this is an emotional support booty call
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
