He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
