I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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