There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
