filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
