Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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