goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
