i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
