those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
