I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
