Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
