with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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