Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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