I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
