We're like a lot better than the average bears
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
