Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
