I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
