whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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