Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
pop tarts are not kleenex
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
