you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
