I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
it's like iHOP with fire
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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